The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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