TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
