I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
