he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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