so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
