She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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