I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
