i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I'm too high and old for this...
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
