After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize