He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
