So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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