I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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