My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
