lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
