so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
