So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
