Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
