I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
