P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
