so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
