Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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