if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
