My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You can't special order awesome
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Randomize
