i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
