Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
