If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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