i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I think your dad took our porno
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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