If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
