Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
