Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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