Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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