So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
