You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
You've changed since you got that strap on
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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