Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
