If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
