i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
