that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
