Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
