we have pet lesbian snakes
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
She's the barista slut.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
