Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize