It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
