My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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