I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
