you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
