WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
