i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Randomize