Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
