Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize