Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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