Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
