I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
