Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
