Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
