note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
