Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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