i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
