I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
