if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
it was like his penis was on wheels.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
